The following is an excerpt from Julie Fulton’s “Coping With the College Application Process” from The Parents’ Guide to Psychological First Aid, Edited by Gerald P. Koocher, PhD and Annette M. La Greca, PhD.  Oxford University Press 2011;

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Sandra’s mother wants to rewrite her 17-year-old’s college application essay because, “It reads like a teenager wrote it.” Max wants desperately to apply early to Brown University, but his parents want him to apply early to Yale, “because Brown isn’t really impressive enough.” Ryan’s mother is frustrated because her son has let all the early application deadlines slip by without getting his “act together” to submit an essay and application.

The stress of college applications can shine a light on many things one would rather not see. For some families, it aggravates tension barely corralled under normal circumstances. For others, the frayed nerves created by the process of applying to college creates conflicts where none seemed to exist before. Adolescents and parents experience some stresses in tandem: the challenge of handling a new and confusing process, the feeling that there is no room for error, the sorting through all of the information and misinformation, and the exhaustion and expense of campus visits.

Then there are stressors that adolescents and parents feel independently of one another. Adolescents may worry about taking such a big developmental step. They might feel inundated by an unforgiving social culture at school, where details about SAT scores and college preparation are too freely shared. They probably worry about not getting into a school they like, or about getting everything finished on time. And this all hits at the busiest time in their lives, balancing the toughest academic schedule they have faced, along with the most demanding extracurricular responsibilities.

Even though parents are not the ones filling out the college applications (usually), they feel no less taxed. They share the stress of watching their son or daughter go through sleepless nights or burst into tears over the semester’s challenges. They have reservations about their 17-year-old’s ability to remember and meet all of the deadlines. They wonder if it’s possible for their already overextended teenager to manage the difficult balance of making sure that everything gets finished without nagging. Most parents also face concerns about how to pay for four years of tuition and living expenses. And don’t forget the less tangibles: An overall malaise in anticipation of changing household dynamics, and the impending sense of having to let go and not feeling quite sure how to do it.

The college application process raises constant questions and forces families to make important decisions and uncertainty. Adolescents who stand in the best position to get into college, who have “done all the right things,” paradoxically can find themselves the most challenged. For students (and parents) who have learned the rules at their high schools and know exactly what it takes to succeed there, this might be one of the first times that an outcome feels so uncertain. And, what’s more, it can feel very personal…

As with any new endeavor, the best way to handle the unknowns is to be proactive and gather the appropriate information. Applying to college may feel convoluted and strange, but understanding the process becomes easier with the right information. Seek answers from trusted authorities. The following are some commonly asked questions to help you begin.

WHEN SHOULD MY FAMILY START PREPARING FOR THE APPLICATION PROCESS?

Consider this a two-part question: When should you start preparing for the process, and when should your son or daughter begin preparing? Parents can never start the process too early. Resources abound: articles, books, blogs, experts, etc. However, exposing your son or daughter to the stresses of applying too early can prove harmful. Most parents consider age and maturity when it comes to talking to their children about other life issues. The same approach should hold true for the college application process. If you push too soon, it could easily backfire with passive resistance or a rebellion against applying at all. Early high school usually proves an appropriate age to start having some general family conversations about college and academic goals. Your son or daughter might enjoy visiting some schools as a way to explore campus life, but hold off on the temptation to put together a specific list of schools. You can bring up college as a motivator for academic effort, but rather than pressuring your child with “If you don’t start getting As, you can forget school X,” instead consider saying, “Putting in time and effort now will give you more options later.”

Keep in mind, however, that some things related to the college application process—like the SATs—do come up earlier, while students are underclassmen. To see year-specific recommendations for the college application process, visit the National Association for College Admission Counseling (NACAC) website (www.nacacnet.org ).

HOW MUCH HELP SHOULD I GIVE MY CHILD?

Do some thinking about your family dynamic before crunch time. Does your child generally seem receptive to your help and advice? Does your child tend to push back when you remind him or her to get things done? Is your child highly independent and responsible, or, like most adolescents, inclined not to pay close attention to details and deadlines? And remember to think about how these familial roles play out during stressful times, not just when things are good.

SHOULD WE WORK WITH AN INDEPENDENT COLLEGE COUNSELOR?

If you do decide to hire an independent college counselor, think about how exactly you would like him or her to help, and ask the counselor’s years of experience and professional background. For example, it doesn’t necessarily take high school counseling or college admissions experience to look over essays, but if you think you will have questions along the way about schools or the process, look for someone with experience working in those arenas. Also consider the consultant’s philosophy. Some will share your family values and some will not. Does it seem like they will listen to your priorities, or will they assert their own bias?

Try to ascertain how effectively an independent counselor would work within the parameters of your high school counseling office. Most high school counselors serve a large number of students, and independent counselors can fill gaps of time and attention. They should not, however, overstep their bounds and authority in ways that cause problems. The high school counselor will have responsibility for the most direct contact with the colleges and the letters of recommendation. Working with someone who does not defer to the high school counselor serves no one in the end.